Tags: Al Gore, cheaters, con artist, Craigslist, dating profile, eharmony, email, instant message, internet dating, Lavalife, liars, Love Access, match.com, OK Cupid, online dating, online personals
[Ed. note: This is the last in a two-part Point/Counterpoint series. This Counterpoint is in response to Jordan's post from yesterday, who has a very different opinion on Internet Dating]
Yesterday, Jordan wrote about her experiences with online dating, which were a bit … unpalatable to say the very least. Today I’d like to talk about the positives of online dating, at least from my experience.
Before Al Gore invented the Intarwebz back in the mid-90s (ahem), I was a recent college grad and dating. I put a few ads in the local newspaper’s personals for dating, and went out on a few very decent dates. Yes, think of “The Pina Colada” song – that was me, sans cheating on the live-in boyfriend. I do recall not making a love connection and wound up dating a guy from my Mass Comm class in the end.
Fast-forward a decade, and I had gotten married, had two children, and my husband walked out on us. I was in therapy working on myself and was coping with being a single mother. After a few months of licking my wounds like a whipped puppy, I decided to give online dating a try. I signed up for a few online dating sites (Plentyoffish, Lavalife, OKCupid, and LoveAccess) and I was off.
You may notice that these are all free dating sites. I did sign up for Match.com and eHarmony.com, but only for a trial period. I honestly was not interested in finding a mate or a husband. I wanted something casual, and perhaps if the right person came around, it could turn into something long-term and monogamous. I was scared to death, but I knew that I deserved to be treated right AND I needed to meet people.
The positives to online dating are many … much more than meeting someone in a bar or getting set up with someone by your Aunt Terri. Here are some that I found:
1. You get to know the person faster. When you’re drinking at a bar and someone catches your eye, you typically don’t get their likes/dislikes, what they’re looking for in a relationship, how many kids they have, what religion they are, and so on. They’re in a bar or restaurant for social purposes – which are generally having a drink with a few friends. Looking at someone’s profile – and those items are usually filled out honestly – will show you if they’re not interested in a commitment, if they’ve got kids, where they live, and their marital/religious status. You don’t get that kind of information until the fourth “regular” date!
2. You get to “meet” them before you see them. That may not make a lot of sense, but when you date online, you have to establish interest first. That generally involves a wink or a flirt, which evolves into a message, which then moves into an email or IM conversation, and then to a voice or even a webcam interaction. Most or all of this can go down before you even meet the individual in the flesh. If education is vital to you, reading the person’s writing (and therefore “grading” their diction and grammar!) can make you lose interest. You are able to establish rapport prior to going out on a date, so you feel more at ease when you spend time with them.
3. You are able to expand your horizons – in every way imaginable. Let’s say you live in New York state, but you’re moving to Chicago for your new job or to attend grad school. There are probably not a ton of eligible Chicagoans running around upstate New York (well, that I know of). By contacting singles in the area of Chicago that you’re moving to, you can start getting to know people before you even move. Same goes for dating outside of your social circle. If you’re interested in a different race, religion, age, etc., that is your own, you can search for these traits online. Talk about placing your order!
4. Bars, churches, and grocery stores close … but the Internet is always open. No matter where you look for a date – walking your dog at the park, the salad bar at Whole Foods – there is always a time restriction IRL. Well, there are some 24-hour WalMarts and Taco Bells, but I digress. If you work 2nd shift and are up late, you can look online for someone to date on your days off. If you’re a night owl, sending someone a sweet message to greet them when they wake up is a nice way to break the ice. You can’t call someone at 3am to let them know you’re thinking about them, but you can always send them an email at 3am.
5. You can block undesireables and limit your contact to those you ONLY want to date. When you’re sitting at a bar, you’re going to get hit on by anyone that likes your look. This can be VERY awkward or uncomfortable, especially if you’re like me and can’t tell people “No, thanks, I’m not interested.” Many dating sites allow you to limit who contacts you, and you can do this by age, income, geographic distance, race, education level, and some sites can even block smokers/drinkers/drug users or individuals who are looking for sex. Double-check your messaging/contact limits because this feature is VERY helpful.
6. YOU determine your anonymity. You can put as much information about yourself as you want on your profile. Post a picture or not. Publish your email address or IM handle – or not. Anyone in a real-life social situation can follow you home, follow you to your workplace, or take down your license plate number. They can also get visual clues, like your gym key fob that shows where you work out or your lanyard in your purse that shows your place of employment. Online, YOU are in control of how much information you give to others.
7. It’s free. Many dating sites, as well as Craigslist, are free. Even going out for coffee involves washing clothing and showering, gas money, and purchasing a cup of java (if you’re going dutch … and double if you’re paying for your date). You don’t even need to pay for internet to date online – you can access these sites and your email from the public library. Some online dating sites are fee-based, but you don’t have to pay if you don’t want to.
Now, online dating isn’t all “love and light.” Not even a little bit. If someone is a jerk in real life, they’re going to be a jerk online. Here are some of my personal online dating nightmares:
- married men. I had one guy tell me he was separated; he wasn’t. Not even a little bit. I was at the mercy of HIS schedule and could never contact him. Another guy told me he was single and living with his brother’s family, which in reality was HIS OWN FAMILY. Our first date was when his wife was still in the hospital after having their first child, I found out later. He’s now a self-proclaimed Jesus Freak and runs a fundamentalist Christian youth ministry.
- the old pictures. Most pictures were recent, and the majority of men didn’t lie about their age, income, or weight. However, one sent me 4-year-old photos and was at least 50 pounds heavier than his pics. I so enjoyed him, though, that we were together for over a year and he was one of the happiest relationships I ever had. I had a few others like this, but they were mostly from men who were over 35 (which wasn’t my target demographic when I was online dating anyway).
- height. Most men will round up their heights. I’m really tall for a chick, and I prefer a man who is over 6′ tall at a MINIMUM so that I feel feminine. Anyone who listed their height at under 6′ tall I could pretty much assume was 5′ 8″ or 5′ 9″ MAX.
- most women on dating sites are BOTS. What some companies do is put up fake female profiles in order to get men to either sign up for other dating sites or to get their email addresses. Because I specifically stated in my online dating profiles that I was looking for a casual dating relationship, 75% (or more) of my initial contact messages were, “Yeah, right, you’re fake. If you try to get me to give you my credit card I’m going to block you.” Nice.
My story has a happy ending. My husband and I reconciled, but I’m glad to say that I was able to experience the ins and outs of online dating. Just like the personal ads of the 70s, 80s, and early 90s, and just like meeting someone IRL at a bar or synagogue or at the gym, online dating CAN be filled with the hassles, trials, and tribulations of liars and cheaters. However, the pros definitely outweigh the cons if you’re smart about it! If you are neurotic and clingy in real life, time will tell. If you’re a kind and caring person, time will also tell. Con artists come in all genders, shapes, sizes, income brackets, and educational levels. Be smart about dating, no matter where you do it!
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-L is a rather tall woman living in Florida with three male Siamese cats, an even taller teenaged daughter, a shorter daughter, and a very patient (and, yes, tall) husband. She blogs about vintage photography/lomography and all things knitting. She loves all things Doctor Who (especially knitting patterns), her DVR and iPhone, shopping for all kinds of bags, lomography, and sassy Crocs wedge heels. She also is a kung fu practitioner and an adjunct college professor when she’s not sitting on the sofa and cruising knitting sites. You can visit her other websites, iKnitty.com for more knitting goodness and Lomosophy.com for the latest lomo news. She also food blogs at DaFoodie, because a girl's gotta eat.
Here here! I agree with pretty much everything said above. While I may not be in a huge mecca of the US, small safe South Dakota, dating sites and whatnot have been a primary method of trying to start something in my personal life. Before I tried anything, I was stuck in the “waiting for it to happen” mindset, now I’m more in the “I’m going to at least try to make it happen myself” mindset. Now since trying ANY dating site, I’ve had more dates in little over a year than I have the rest of my life combined. eHarmony worked briefly, but most never replied. Okcupid and Plentyoffish are my two primary sites now and I’m going to check out lavalife and LoveAccess now that I know they are also free.
I may not be in a relationship yet, but damn it I’m proud of myself for at least trying and putting myself out there.
I've met all of my previous boyfriends online, save for my first one and my current one.
Online dating, for me, is better than meeting at a bar because.. well… I don't drink. So why would I want to meet someone at a place I wouldn't normally frequent?
Blind dates don't work with me, either. My nerves get all worked up and I'm an outright awful blind date.
And, to be bloody honest about it, I wouldn't trust any of my friends to set me up with someone (L, maybe – only because we've spoken about pretty much everything and she knows me like a book). My best friend of 17 years would pick out someone that she would like to see me with, but might not be the best thing for me.
The sites I used for my dating were all free sites, and I would recommend them to all of my friends.
The above is what worked for ME and my own personal quirks. I've known people that have met their spouses through friends, at work, getting into an accident together, online dating, blind dates, etc, so on – and they're happy!
So basically, I'm saying that one person's Chef Boyardee Canned Ravioli is another's filet mignon.
I completely disagree, Connie. You absolutely do NOT have to pay at an online dating site to meet someone that is honest and can commit to you! There are many free dating sites that do offer upgrades, but they're not worth it. I know people who have looked for activity partners and friendship on Craigslist (the MySpace of online "dating"), and gotten married after finding their soulmates. Most people meet their spouses at work or through friends, so it looks like you met both criteria right there.
Online dating is not a good thing if you want to meet someone honest,you need to get on a pay site before the men tell the truth.And you pay for that! And wasting time on someone you find out to be married or lying is a waste of time! Bars are not that great either.I found my man at a social we were both volunteers and later found out we had mutual friends.So actually friends of friends!